He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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