I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
