You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
