the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
