i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
