her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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