i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
