I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
