I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
