Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
