I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I FOUND THE LEGS
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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