did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
