What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She's the barista slut.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
