Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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