my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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