I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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