the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
