Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
