I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
