the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
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He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
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Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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