My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
