Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
