I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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