If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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