Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
