Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
