Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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