Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
