This dress was meant to end up on your floor
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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