Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
