I wish I could teleport
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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