He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
