I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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