i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
