She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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