i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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