The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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