Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
