My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
