...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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