Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
