I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Michael Bay diarrhea
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
