cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
