I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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