he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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