Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
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