You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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