why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I puked a lego.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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