i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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