i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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