Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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