a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
