Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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