I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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