I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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