Just cropdusted the office
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
