He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
