my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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