she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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